012. Honest.

I want a love. And I want problems.
I want a love that's going to make me smile at the very thought of their existence, their persistence to keep me around, and do nothing that makes me frown. And I'd be down even if they did clown on they way I dress or if my hair is a mess or if I don't dress to impress 7 days out the week because my eyes are weak in the mornings and I choose throw on something bleak like sweats and slippers; and I'm a grouch.
I want that kind of problem.
I want a love that's going to have birds singing Bryan Adam songs all day long and we'd always get along except for when I feel like the days couldn't be more long when you have things going and you wont be home until what seems like the break of dawn.
I want that kind of problem.
I want a love that's going to make me wish I had a heart on both sides of my body because the left side has become way too gaudy, too large and in charge with love so I'd try and talk to the man up above to see if he'd be down to recreate the same shape because I'm tired of leaning and not being able to stand up straight because of the weight my soul mate has created on my heart from the start. I want to be tired of singing "to the left to the left" and feel like theres nothing left on the right because its all moved left.
I want that kind of problem.
I want a love that's going to make me want to hold your hand in public for the first time and call you a dime, better yet a quarter and you will call my house your headquarters and I'd be down to play one on one for four quarters and there is full court press and then me and you can experience the press of skin contact full contact and I'd maybe on purpose to annoy you call a foul and you'd complain and start becoming foul and the press would be over and you'd become depressed and I'd have to come up with something else that would impress...you.
I want that kind of problem.
I want to have a love that I never get tired of being in your arms. I want have a love that I wish I was taller just so I have a longer reach and I'd reach to teach you how much I miss you like this:

<------------------------------->

but it doesn't go that long because my outstretched arms are short and stout because its what I'm about but I swear if I was in love I'd pray that I'd grow even though that's a no go because I am so low to the ground and so not to the sky except my head and heart pass me by in the clouds because I've reached cloud nine with all our time together. I'd apologize for being short if I had that kind of love on lock..forever.
I want to have that kind of problem.
But more than that...
I want to have that kind of love.

011. One Million.

if i could write a million words to teach you
how my heart has curved back into proper formation
and is now singing in exultation...
i would write those million words.
if i could write a million words to teach you
how relaxed youve made me
and saved me
from the repetition of the line everybody's the same
and made me want to start a brand new game...
i would write those million words.
if i could write a million words to teach you
how your smile lights up a room,
makes my heart go zoom makes 20 flowers up and bloom...
i would write those million words.
you see...
i rest on cloud nine
you send shivers down my spine
attatched to my brain
making my heart go insane
keeping sane with no shame...no blame...
just me.
just you.
just us....as two.
im willing to take part
to kneel down at the start
and race to the finish with my heart.
because when two hearts race...
both win.
and this is something felt from within.
so...if i could write a million words to express how i feel about you...
i would.
but as of now i only have 198 words to express how i feel
to hopefully appeal to your heart and mind
with mine on the paper.
one million words...someday.

010. Woman.

I am WOMAN, hear me roar.
Not like that "i plan to soar" blah blah listen to me type lines.
No, no this is a different type of roar.
I'm trying to educate, stimulate, not bore.
First I've picked for..you.
Four divided by two -- people who I adore.
Who make me more of who I claim to be.
Lets see...
This first shero makes me wish I was stronger
To live longer and make the difference
Like she did sitting on a bus not making a fuss until they moved her.
And...brrrrr was it cold when she coldly, boldly said "no".
Bravo miss parks for parking yours where you weren't allowed to.
For you drew a crowd and it became a following.
And the following are poem lines in honor of what you did.
Having your rights become right.
Having nightly days become less of a fight.
Thank you miss parks for being so amazing with your simple actions.
And act then upon what I will say next.
Mr. Martin Luther King Jr. is my second bloomer that I chose to expose
And have me sit froze-n with wonderment
And wonder what he meant when he was up on a stage
Fighting rage...on race.
As thoughts race through my mind going back into time
As the lines poured out:
"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends."
His dream didnt end with the words that sung like birds.
He carried on with the song and that famous quote and I quote:
"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.""
I dont just know the first, I know the sequel.
I've read the poem through and through
And am so through with how he was treated.
Yet he treated and greeted his people, all people with respect.
My heroes..sheroes...have respect.
And still an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind
Yet I, look past the eyes and enter the mind.
Finding the time it takes to make the first mistake
To recreate a soul by judging them soley on...
Appearance.
Take me for example.
Just because I sample fashion
From a male's wardrobe.
Shirts that show no curves, no breasts
Just a chest with a heart beating
Rapidly when you start starting
Awkwardly.
Your eyes gaze at my levi's
Leave me alone with my shrink to fit
Jeans softly below the hip.
Hardly showing off my ass-ets.
But wait...I have finally pleased you
With my makeup to make up for the lack there of
Of my outfit that doesn't fit my womanhood.
Womanhood? Is that what youre so concerned about?
Here...let me shout:
I am WOMAN, here me roar!
Still not enough? Want some more?
I am a lady!...I am a girl!
Still a non believer? give me a naked twirl.
I've got every part since the start of my days and
I'll amaze...you.
You see, it's in my power, and its in my belief.
That I have released this greif you have given me about how I dress
And who I can impress.
I care less about you, more about me.
More about my heroes.
More about my sheroes.
Who have taught me that zero is the number of people I should care about
If they only care about my outside look and what I'm supposed to be.
And that truly makes me more of a woman or man or person than you will ever be.
I am WOMAN, hear me roar.

009. Not me.

Dont like me.
Dont like me I'm too busy.
My mind will get all frizzy and I'll probably forget your name.
I play some games and I like to train myself
And be myself and work solo.
So low that I hid out until I cant hear you speak.
I'm a bad influence...dont like me.
I'll peer pressure you with my mouthpiece words
And singing songs like the birds and you will fall.
You'll fall hard and that's hard for me because I cant pick you up.
Maybe not that I can't
But wont, dont wish to see you up and chasing once again.
Dont like me kid I'm no good for you.
I'll tell you I'm through the second you go to hold my hand.
You wont understand you'll be like "mannn ashley let me hold you."
No. Never.
I'm clever. i have a pattern going on and you aren't on my list.
Tisk Tisk stay far far away.
You wont have me today, tomorrow, next week
I'm too weak to let an equal come in and take over
Consider me just a layover.
Something in between your two flights to get to a desired place.
I'm a face to see in between your flying hours where youre on could nine
Feeling fine and dandy becoming handy with your laughter.
Refering back to the layover I'll lay over your thoughts
And make you wish you could stay.
I'm no good.
You cant stay. Rush to your next flight.
Goodbye, goodnight, sinanara, ciao..
Wow. I'm no good.
Dont pick me.
I'll cheat on you like a 10th grade test retake
And I'll brake you're heart just for the sound it makes.
You dont deserve that. Not me. I'm no good.
Stay far far away. Here I will stay. Here I will lay.
Break through me? No way.
I'm no good..not me.please dont stay.

008. Kite.

You know if i was in love at this very moment i'd build you a kite.
To me that'd be alright because in all reality this one goes out to no one
And thats kinda fun imagining what could be and would be done..for you.
But like i said i'm through with relationships so imagining is what i leave myself with.
We could fly this kite.
We could fly this kite through the day, the night, through sun and snow it would go with us with you with me because
its we not me thats how it should be when you agree to see this could be would be will be great.
I'd take that damn kite on our dates it'd be like our reminder to be kinder to eachother.
This sounds all off like...why a kite?
I choose it as a symbol to love you with.
I used to tell my past assholes to fly a kite when they tested all my might.
So maybe if i play with irony its gonna be different.
Spittin this might help me saying what i'm gonna do if i never have to use that line again...or again...or again.
Using a kite to show how high we can get.
Jet set and roll up to the sky just you...and i.
So if i was in love with you at this very moment i'd give you that gift.
Id do it in secret.
Like when you aren't home and i'm there waiting because thats what people in love do.
They wait and create kites.
So i'd use this line right here like
Dear _________, what kind of person would want this kid as a warrior?
You did.
And so i made for you a kite.
It was enormous out of coat hangers and brown paper bags and some masking tape from that drawer in the kitchen
And i hung it in the hallway where you couldnt hardly miss it
And i tagged that kite with my words...these words.
I wrote:
Just so you know my weird mind wanders and my brave heart brakes.
Ive nailed some milestones but i make mistakes
Because I've got more faults than a map of california earthquakes.
I'm taking a nap underneath your covers.
Wake me if you like me.
Wake me if you want me.
Wake me if you need another poem.
Your once and future lover has made herself at home.

007. Inside me.

So, I was kickin it with a friend the other day
N she said hey...whats your most valued possesion?
I laughed and told her it was my insides.
Without understanding yet demanding I explain
I opened my mouth to convey my most prized possesion.


These words are of value coming from my insides which stem from my brain
Telling me to train myself that these words are of power from my mind.
I have rooted them then pollutted them for ever letting them touch the outside air.
And I wouldnt care if the world was all fresh and so clean clean but its...mean.
The outside is dirty and to keep my prizes inside I value only my insides.

She nodded with expression like yeah I get that but I covered her mouth and said kick back because Ive just started sharing what means the most to my soul.

It is my soul that would come up next.
Its my inside torso that feels so..half ashamed and half happy, so, I keep it inside.
The heartbeat is silent which stays in confinement
Now that I've realized that each time I let it out it gets broken
And I'm too done with joken so I keep it...on the inside.
In my blood that runs through my vains I become vain.
Looking in the mirror making sure my hair is straight and my clothes arent anywhere near a size 8.
And thats on the outside
But my insides tell me its the only way to be right..to be liked.
And that is why my insides keep me sane
Telling me im a good person even if i dont have a shirt with a name.
Moving down to my stomach
In this extra flesh that bulges from my waistline.
My belly is where most my insecurities gather
And I'd rather hide those problems...on the inside.
But it becomes inevitable that it will show...on the outside.


I will speak at last of my mind. For even if words come out to the open air
I cant care because...truth lies within.
These are happenings that happen in the midst of rumored thoughts.
And people can be bought out so it doesnt mean much when folks speak out.
Think of your own mind. Think of how good it feels to know what you know
To put on a show for only you and your eyes to see.
Your eyes...your pupils become pupils to teach in front of your reach and it all means everything because it stemmed...from your insides.


Do our minds speak a different language than what comes out?
Do we think different thoughts than our open words filled with doubt?
We put on a show for our glory to be liked
To be strong and powerful and cool.
Strong to be forceful
And powerful to be rich
Cool trails along for the ride
As our words are gathered not from the slide up of education
But from the media's misrepresentation.
Children and young ones drink up hip hop like its water.
And then over time parents dont even know their own daughter.
Because shes caught up on her sidekick three and other electronics
Speakin' ebonics to her..."homies"
And writers have put out books that explain street slang.
And pretty soon authority figures claim confusion as to why their loved ones end up in a street gang
Like dang...you are ignorant.
Or you'd have to be to not realize that whats on the outside is not the same on the inside.
Its a facade that most keep up to be well liked
And if you cant like yourself then its going to show.
And you'll lose your glow to grow,
Inside.
That, my friend, is why my insides are valued, and remembered, and kept sacred...
Inside.

006. I dont care.

I. dont. care.
No, i really dont care and no i dont wish to share.


......

Wait!..maaybe i do. please please tell me..what am i going to do?
You leave me confused, bruised, and I put my team out there just to watch us lose.
So now, I dont care.
And your life is complicated so it seems you cant spare one moment in time
To at least tell me things arent fine
And that you wont end up being mine...ever?
Thanks, so i dont care.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve seemed fashionable at the time
But I'm no marc ecko or tommy hilfiger
So go figure I was wrong about my outfit that seemed to fit while by your side.
Well...i dont care.
And i never wanted to end up like those select few who complain about their luck
But it really does suck now that I sit here like what the ffffff
Did i do?
Therefore...i dont care.
Theres a petty little statement called bros before hoes
And those words i should have heeded before attempting in cementing
My heart with yours.
No no really...i dont care.
But while in the middle of kissing i was missing all logic apparently
That this was never going to happen again.
But maybe, you shouldve saved me from the aftermath of your scheme
Cause that was pretty mean hense the reason i now
Dont care.
I sit and submit poem after poem to the trash trying to find the right words to cash
In for my mind to feel at ease.
Eh..Pleaaase. Thats long gone..along with us.
I dont care.
But for the next one who walks into your life
Know that its not alright to treat them as an option.
To shun...their soul while they make you priority sitting like royalty
With no clue that you, yourself. dont care.
Let them know about your plan
Cause mannn...I'm broke and thats hardly a joke because
I was rich before this sudden itch of failure
Like a sailor without his wind.
When adam and eve created sin.
When you turned me into a wizard of oz character made out of tin.
With no heart..I try to start something over
In search of a four leaf clover for any type of day to go my way
Because in all reality baby...
I....care.